Monday, March 11, 2013


I woke up this morning with the feeling of, "oh great, another day. What will I do with today?" I know that I probably should wake up happy and perky and excited, but not today.  There are clouds packed into the sky, it's wanting to be warm, but it's still cold and wet. I have to get out of bed to get my water to take my pills that have to be taken one hour before food. Sigh. I have to get up. I am so lazy!

It's not a temporary lazy either. I've been working on this one for many months.  Nothing is getting done without excruciating effort. I hate being here.  As I lay in bed this morning, I try to imagine a better place, a healthier place where I don't hurt so much-both emotionally and physically. My body hurts, it is aching. My soul longs for God's presence.  I know it is I who has moved but I find little comfort in knowing that fact. There is still a proverbial separation. I am gaining weight and I know that it is my fault, too, but again, I find little comfort in the fact that I know that. I feel like I am watching a very bad movie that I can't get up from. I feel so sorry for this girl, for this 49 year old woman who is stuck on 'rewind.' 

So I pulled my body out of bed, got the water, took my pills, then started the countdown. 59 minutes to go 'till I can have my coffee the way I like it, with cream. Thinking, "is cream really considered food?"  The living room is dark, but I go look for Maddie. Oh, she's sleeping on the futon in my office this morning.  She makes me smile, always makes me smile.  I go to her and say , "Hi Maddie" and scratch her bellie. She licks my nose and rolls over. She's not in any hurry to go outside.

So I saw "Silver Linings Playbook" this past Friday.  I didn't know what it was about before hand.
If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It made me come face to face with my own untreated bipolar.  I remember thinking during the movie, "so I guess I thought if I didn't talk about it or even mention it, it'll be better for everyone involved in my life. It will just be easier. But what about for me Will it be easier for me?"

Honestly, I don't know what to think. I can't continue to gain this weight. I can't continue to be afraid to just take that first step towards wellness. I don't even know if I know what 'wellness' is for me. I've been good so many times, and then it all falls to crap. I am interested in finding out, in finding a Dr. who can help me, but I've done that before, too. I also self-medicate, self-diagnose and then self-implode. 

Jesus sits patiently by, holding my hand. I know that He is here. He keeps reminding me that I need Him to function on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. It seems such a long road back, full of places I've visited  so many times I'm tired of re-visiting. Maybe it's a different road that will lead me back this time? Trying something new?  Or perhaps, trying both the old and the new, together.

Happy Rainy Day All, Cheryl

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