Stupid Clouds!

As I sit in my living room, the front door is open and a cool breeze is making its way in.  I have turned off all other distractions, so that I can hear the birds outside.  Even my dogs are asleep, everyone is asleep, except for the birds and I.

I woke up this morning in a way that I have done for many days now.  Eye one, then eye two, a stretch, and the thought, "another cloudy day" hits my mind, and perhaps my tongue, under my breath.  I'm sick of the clouds. I'm sick of the rain. I'm sick of my stinky attitude about my life and the stupid clouds.  I'm tired of not being inspired.

There I said it.  I'm tired of not being inspired.  I have waves of inspiration and grandiose-God moments, but they are nestled between the “should” and “shouldn'ts” of my days. I want continuity and consistency. I want to feel healthy and joyous and content for a larger portion of my days, weeks, and years.

I'm wondering if you can relate or if it's just me.  I feel like I pump myself up, and by the end of the day, and before I turn in to bed, I am there. Then, I wake up in the morning, and it's all gone. I have to start all over.

Even as I write this, the Holy Spirit reminds me that God is my missing link to consistency. He is the only thing that remains the same. He is the glue that holds together my moments and my days, He connects the past to the future, yesterday to today. I am living a life mostly made up of my own efforts and strengths, and the older I get, the harder it gets, ‘cause let’s face it, getting older is hard work. I am tired, crabby, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled when left to my own devices.

I cannot live a holy life without a constant walk with Him. How can I expect anything to stick with interaction of the loving God who created me in His image? 

“May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. ¹³ May He strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his Holy Ones.” (1 Thess 2: verse 12 and 13)

When we come to each other after having spent time with Him, we are better for it.  It’s not just about us and our days, and muddling through them. It’s about coming to Him incomplete, and learning to be more complete, in Him. Then, when we are together in community, be that a large group or a small one of just you and another, we can commune with God and each other on a more intimate, personal level. 

Just as I am ready to hit SAVE on this reflection, I am looking out the window to sunshine on my lawn. If only for a moment, Father has reminded me that the way things are is not always the way things will be.  Enjoy this day!Have a most amazing, cloudy, God-filled day.

Cheryl

Refuse to Live a Life of Fear

I remember a few weeks ago my neighbor moved out and renters moved in. I remember peeking out through my bedroom window sizing up the new neighbors, thinking, “He looks a bit shady, I think it’s time to move.” Fear began to have its way and I actually began to look on the internet for more ‘suitable’ places to live.  After the second or third day of peering through the curtains, a thought came to me, “Who ARE you?”  I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had passed judgment on someone solely based upon their appearance. Since then,  have met my new neighbors and have begun to build a relationship with them. God’s whispered to me, “refuse to live a life of fear.

Two weeks ago, I slammed my baby-toe into our ottoman, as I am sure many of us have, and truly believed it was broken. Up until yesterday morning, I held onto that thought. Another thought came to me yesterday, “you have to try to walk on it.”  So I did. It hurt, but not enough to stop me.  Then another thought came to me, “try to run on it.” You see, I am a runner, and one injury after another has stopped me from doing just that. So, I tried to run on it, not too bad, not any worse anyway. (that’s my test…if it doesn’t hurt WORSE, it’s probably okay).  So I went home, put on my running clothes, and ran, for 22 minutes. It didn’t hurt any worse, and by that time, I had gained a little confidence!  It made all of the difference in my attitude.  I came home, feeling excellent, and even painted my toes. If you are a girl, you know that that means you are feeling pretty darn good.  I was afraid to walk, none-the-less, run, but I did it anyways.  God’s whispered to me, “refuse to live a life of fear.

Yesterday I turned on the news to the horrific story of the Boston Marathon attack.  Everything  natural in me said to be afraid, to not go to social events, to not run the Chicago Marathon. Everything that is God’s in me says to not be afraid, to not live in fear. Fear can be a cancer, invading every space in our lives.  God’s whispered to me, “refuse to live a life of fear.

Today, I woke up to a great-feeling toe. The running must have released it, because I was able to walk for a half an hour pain-free. Perhaps it was jammed and I was afraid it was broken? I don’t know, I just know that I faced my fear and did it anyways.  I have always wondered if I could ever buckle down and qualify for the Boston Marathon.  I don’t know about all that, but I will never know if I run afraid. I do know this, now I want it more than ever.  God’s whispers to me, “refuse to live a life of fear. 

Cheryl D. Wyatt

MY MARCH MADNESS

I woke up this morning with the feeling of, "oh great, another day. What will I do with today?" I know that I probably should wake up happy and perky and excited, but not today.  There are clouds packed into the sky, it's wanting to be warm, but it's still cold and wet. I have to get out of bed to get my water to take my pills that have to be taken one hour before food. Sigh. I have to get up. I am so lazy!

It's not a temporary lazy either. I've been working on this one for many months.  Nothing is getting done without excruciating effort. I hate being here.  As I lay in bed this morning, I try to imagine a better place, a healthier place where I don't hurt so much-both emotionally and physically. My body hurts, it is aching. My soul longs for God's presence.  I know it is I who has moved but I find little comfort in knowing that fact. There is still a proverbial separation. I am gaining weight and I know that it is my fault, too, but again, I find little comfort in the fact that I know that. I feel like I am watching a very bad movie that I can't get up from. I feel so sorry for this girl, for this 49 year old woman who is stuck on 'rewind.' 

So I pulled my body out of bed, got the water, took my pills, then started the countdown. 59 minutes to go 'till I can have my coffee the way I like it, with cream. Thinking, "is cream really considered food?"  The living room is dark, but I go look for Maddie. Oh, she's sleeping on the futon in my office this morning.  She makes me smile, always makes me smile.  I go to her and say , "Hi Maddie" and scratch her bellie. She licks my nose and rolls over. She's not in any hurry to go outside.

So I saw "Silver Linings Playbook" this past Friday.  I didn't know what it was about before hand.
If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It made me come face to face with my own untreated bipolar.  I remember thinking during the movie, "so I guess I thought if I didn't talk about it or even mention it, it'll be better for everyone involved in my life. It will just be easier. But what about for me Will it be easier for me?"

Honestly, I don't know what to think. I can't continue to gain this weight. I can't continue to be afraid to just take that first step towards wellness. I don't even know if I know what 'wellness' is for me. I've been good so many times, and then it all falls to crap. I am interested in finding out, in finding a Dr. who can help me, but I've done that before, too. I also self-medicate, self-diagnose and then self-implode. 

Jesus sits patiently by, holding my hand. I know that He is here. He keeps reminding me that I need Him to function on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. It seems such a long road back, full of places I've visited  so many times I'm tired of re-visiting. Maybe it's a different road that will lead me back this time? Trying something new?  Or perhaps, trying both the old and the new, together.

Happy Rainy Day All, Cheryl